Paralysed By Perfection
When you visualise the outcome
all you can see is failure.
You can't imagine anything good
It seems like a lot of work to start,
an enormous hurdle.
You might not like what you do,
it might be an embarrassment to yourself.
If you don't show it anyone then who will know
so does it matter?
It feels weird to start, forbidden and uncomfortable.
What if ideas don't come? What if it can't be expressed as I like?
I try to remember Bob Ross and his 'happy accidents'.
Does anything excellent come from the first attempt anyway?
Probably sometimes when you're in that flow
but if you've been locked down and blocked
from even starting for years it is kind of unlikely.
Even writing this seems wrong.
I'm not writing it well enough or expressing myself correctly.
What am I really scared of?
After all I can rearrange this and I can change it afterwards.
I can spend as long as I like on it.
I can NEVER show it a damn soul.
Is it that if I make something I don't like I will be ashamed of it?
Is is that I will think I'm not good enough or will finally see how talent free I am?
If I'm not good at it does it matter? Perhaps a little.
Maybe I should listen to Van Gogh and paint anyway.
He made some beautiful pictures. Starry Night.
It's not perfect but I still like it. It's not photorealistic but it still has that something.
Maybe I wont be Van Gogh, probably not, but someone might like it.
Maybe even me.
The thing is I know all this yet it's so deep ingrained.
Don't look at the future or the past they are illusions and still I have had these feelings.
Now I let them go.